What are relationship fights really?

The other night, my 5-year-old was flabbergasted at the idea that someone could be so disconnected from themselves that they’d actually fight with themselves. He tilted his head, thought about it, and said, “That’s pretty funny. I hope they laugh at themselves afterwards.”

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And it made me pause.

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Because he’s right! I see this dynamic time and time again in the work that I do. The root of conflict isn’t really between two people, it is a deeper inner fight with yourself. Most of the time, the person we’re arguing with is a younger version of ourselves. It is often the part of us that was never heard, never safe, never loved the way she needed to be. It is even with a future version of ourselves where we are not meeting expectations we have for ourselves.

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Here is something to try: when you’re mid-argument, before you go proving your point, ask yourself:  Am I fighting them? Or am I protecting a part of me that hasn’t been heard in years?

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When we access this we can start to access repair, which is the REAL indicator of a relationship's ability to break generational patterns and stand the test of time.

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The Gottman Institute, a company that researches marriages, found that all long term marriages have fights and fighting itself is not an indicator of divorce. The indicators of divorce are how the fights occur aka do you fight fair and the quality of the repair.

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Think of it this way: if you’re only engaging with your partner, your friend, or even your child just to win… then you’ve already lost the deeper thread. When you slow yourself down, my guess is that you did not start this relationship to WIN arguments. You likely were seeking a deeper connection, one that allowed you to be seen. This comes from trial and error and mutual respect.

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Think of it this way: How would your relationship look likely if you started every interaction with the idea of dignity, nobility and respect for yourself and the other person? How would that change your approach?

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When we meet ourselves with dignity, nobility and respect there are going to be people and relationships that we see are not affording us those same three principles in return. Abuse would be a well known relationship dynamic  that does not provide these principles to another person. Other times though, when we start to treat ourselves with compassion, show up to hard conversations with more honesty and place mutual respect at the center we see that repair is possible. We see that the person across from us isn’t always the enemy, but a mirror who is reflecting back the parts of ourselves that are still tender, still needing care.

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That’s the true work of relationship intelligence: learning to pause, to ask the deeper question, to honor your own dignity and the dignity of the person you love. It’s not about perfect communication or never fighting again. It’s about fighting fair, repairing well, and refusing to let silence or shame do the talking for you.

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Because fights aren’t the problem. The silence is. The pretending is. The hiding is.

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And when you choose honesty over hiding, repair over resentment, respect over control  that’s when your relationship becomes what it was meant to be all along: a place where you are fully seen, fully known, and still fully loved.